How to Lose Your Job

You know how you get in the habit of saying certain phrases? My sister’s bestie always says “real”…”that’s real cool” or “she’s real pretty.” John says, “So…” all the time…”I’m going to a meeting later so….” “I am pretty hungry so….”

When I was in law school, I said “Fair enough” all the time. Now? Now that I am a big, mature attorney I say things like, “I’m going to punch you in the face.” That’s right: someone says something that I can’t believe or that surprises me and I say, “I’m going to punch you in the face.” WHAT?!?! This is not okay. You know what else is not okay? When the following conversation takes place:

 

Big, Important Attorney Boss: “Molly, did you get my email about the Women in the Law conference coming up?”

Molly: “Yes. That could not sound more boring.”

Big, Important Attorney Boss: “I’m going to sign you up to be a speaker at it. I know how much fun you’d have.”

Molly: “You better shut up or I’m gonna punch you in the face.”

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

This really needs to stop if I intend to remain employed.  I have made a point to try and stop saying it. My mom told me something the other day and I thought, “Don’t say that stupid phrase just because you’re surprised!” Suddenly, out of my mouth came, “Shut your filthy mouth!” Other culprits include, “I will stop your heart.” People, these are real phrases that are really coming out of my mouth. What in the world is wrong with me? I’m a nice, Christian young woman. Why am I so violent simply because I am taken off guard or surprised? Needless to say, I have already started practicing my new phrase, “Would you like fries with that?”