Nose Goes!

When I was in a sophomore in college, my roommate and I kind of got obsessed with Ellen. We watched her show every single day and we would come up with hairbrained ideas about how we could get on the show. After realizing that Ellen didn’t want two boring college girls on her show with nothing to talk about, my roommate came up with an idea. An idea that, I assure you, I did not support.

The idea? Denise would write a letter to Ellen and convince her to have us as guests on the show. Why, you ask? Because Ellen had to, just had to, meet Denise’s roommate, Molly, who happened to look just like….Dory. The character that Ellen voiced in the blockbuster Disney/Pixar flick Finding Nemo. That’s right…Denise hoped that we would get on Ellen because I looked like a cartoon fish. Lovely.

Now this blog is anything but flattering. Heck, I told y’all that I sometimes fall asleep without washing my face or brushing my teeth. I told y’all that I got gassy during pregnancy. So is it any wonder that here I am admitting to you that my friend went to lengths to write a MULTI PAGE letter to Ellen Degeneres, pictures and all, urging her to invite us to LA to attend her show all because I look like a freaking cartoon? Nope, not surprising.

I was telling this story to my sisters the other night and before I could finish the sentence “and she said I looked like Dory!” Bridget gasped and said, “YOU DO! YOU DO LOOK LIKE DORY!!!” Grrreeeeaaat. So I did what any rational person would do: I googled. I wanted to see what it was about Dory that made us twins. First of all, Dory is a flake. She can’t remember a darn thing. But that’s not me! I graduated from law school!! I remembered the difference between legal theories for 3 full years for Pete’s sake. I can tell you everything we’ve had for dinner for the last 2 months. I can recall who gave us every single one of our wedding presents. So clearly it can’t be that. But the straight physical similarities? It wasn’t hard to see: Dory has freckles—just like me. Dory is often smiling—just like me. But the most damning evidence? Dory’s nose takes up her entire face. And apparently so does mine.

And I hate to admit it, but I see it. I’ve always hated my giant nose. I used to hope for a deviated septum so that I could get a nose job (and, as an aside, the last CT scan that I had did, in fact, reveal a deviated septum. But the whole, “You’re going blind” news overshadowed the “Now you have an excuse to get rhinoplasty!” news). But apparently that big old nose that I’ve always hated does have one advantage: I finally have a doppelganger. You know that week where everyone changes their facebook photo to some celebrity that they’ve been told they resemble? I never changed my picture. Because nobody ever told me I looked like a celebrity. But apparently, I was wrong! I DO have a celebrity twin! Dory is my doppelganger. . A flaky, forgetful, big-nosed, fish. Fantastic.

And just for the record, Ellen never wrote back.