Gastroenterologist, Nephrologists, and Internists, OH MY!

So it may not come as a shock to you that this body of mine ain't quite perfect. The beginning of this year brought bad news about my eyeballs and a scare that it may be something worse. Luckily, there was no brain tumor...just a little (okay, actually a giant) staphyloma that is threatening my little left eye into oblivion. My right eye, however, is holding its own and staying stable thus far.

The latter part of the year has brought its own bummer news about some other parts of this here temple (get it? Your body is a temple? Anyone? Bueller?). As you may have picked up from random mentions on this blog, I had been getting sick on a fairly regular basis for the past 4 or 5 months. I'd be feeling completely fine and them BAM! vomit city! Hanging out with friends who flew from Omaha/Springfield to visit me and the Megster and SLAM! norovirus symptoms! Prepping for a flight to Bermuda for work and WAM! sicky time! I saw my primary care nurse practitioner (and by "primary care" I mean that I called White Glove out to my house to run some blood work and check a sister out) and she said it was just stress. Whatever, I'm a working mom. I'm a lawyer. Stress isn't going away anytime soon. I needed a better answer. So Megan and John all but forced me to go see an internal medicine doctor for a more thorough workup. After a bunch of bloodwork and collecting my pee for a full 24 hour period (not even remotely disgusting...oh wait, that's a lie), we came up with some answers: my potassium and magnesium are really low. Doctor #1 (Internal Medicine Doc) thinks the puking/nausea/other grossness is related to my electrolytes being all sorts of wonky. She put me on a lifetime regimen of 5 giant horsepills a day. But to be sure that I don't have the same kidney disease that plagues my sister (who has to take like 64 horse pills a day...and that's not an exaggeration), I was sent to a Nephrologist. Nephrologist ordered more blood work...which came back with sad news: after 30 days of potassium & magnesium supplements, I'm still way low. BUT also good news: I haven't been sick in a month...and I really feel great. So that's gotta count for something, right? You know what it doesn't count for? Babymaking. Although something like wonky electrolytes isn’t life threatening or a big deal in the grand scheme of things, it does put a wrench in having a baby on my current timeline.  Yep, I've been given the red light on becoming an oven anytime soon until we can be sure that my body is all ready for growing a human. To say that I am bummed is an understatement. I wasn't ready for Baby #1 and God isn't ready for me to do Baby #2 when I feel like I'm ready. God, oh you! You and your "perfect timing". I also was sent to a GI doc who ordered MORE blood work (Ladies and gents, come on up and see Molly, the human pincushion!) and...wait for it...a colonoscopy and endoscopy to ensure the sickness I was experiencing isn't related to any sort of nastyness growing on my intestines (but really, aren't intestines full of nastyness?).

So anyway, with 2011 being the year of doctors, it goes without saying that 1) we met our deductible on our insurance about 11 months ago, 2) we spent enough money on "specialist" copays to pay off an entire student loan (gulp), 3) I have spent more time in waiting rooms than a person really ever should.

And what's the point of all these appointments (aside from making me healthy, whatever) without using it for blog material? So without further ado, here are the highlights of my year of doctors:

1. Perhaps my least favorite thing has been my new role as "guinea pig" and "sideshow freak" for the residents doing rounds with my eye doctor(s). There was one doctor in particular who I called to say that I was busy at work, nothing really had changed in my vision so I wanted to cancel my appointment for the following day. The nurse told me that no, I couldn't cancel because Dr. Eye really needed to see me. So I went in expecting there to be some new test or something. As I waited in the little room with the giant eye examiner in front of me, I heard Dr. Eye saying, "Now this is the woman I was telling you about...it's amazing..." and walk in with a 25 or so year old gent who proceeded to look in my eyeballs and utter things like, "Remarkable!" over and over. Dr. Eye never even saw me...what was so "important" was that he wanted to be the cool doctor who let this resident see something new. No big deal. I don't have a career that requires me to be in the office anyway. Totally fine to waste my time. And to then charge me yet another $50 copay.

2. Waiting rooms suck. Seriously. If my appointment is at 9 am, WHY IN THE WORLD would you keep me waiting until 10:15 before you take me back to the examination room? You’ve only had like 2 appointments before mine. How did those two appointments get you running an hour behind? One doctor kept me waiting over an hour and a half. He kept talking to his receptionist about random things while I sat there refreshing Twitter every 10 seconds. At one point, I pinky promise, he came into my room and said, “Oops! Wrong room!” and then went into the room next to mine where I could hear him talking to his IT service desk about making his computer run faster. And I sat there watching my afternoon waste away.

3. As you may know, it's unwise to hide the whole "history of anorexia" thing from your doctors. Apparently starving yourself for a prolonged period of time can take a toll on your body (who knew!?!) so it's good to disclose that kind of silliness to your caregivers so that they can factor that into your treatment, etc.  So anyway, this week when I was at the GI doctor, Ms. Nurse calls me back to get the vitals, weight, etc. This conversation happened:

Her: Okay, if I can get you to stand here for your weight.

Me: Well that's just mean. Weighing a girl right after Thanksgiving weekend?

Her: Oh, look! You're not heavy at all! I could only wish for that weight...I'd have to be anorexic for weeks to get down to that weight and you got there without even being anorexic!

Me: Ha ha...err....yeah...

Two minutes later.

Her: Okay, let's just get all the information from your paperwork into the computer. Sister with history of Bartter syndrome, father with history of cancer, you have a history of anore---

SUPER. AWKWARD. SILENCE.

Her: Well, okay! The doctor should be right with you!!!

Later I was given the bad news that I have to get a colonoscopy and, because I love me an awkward moment, this happened:

Her: Okay, Dr. Guts wants you to do a colonoscopy. So you need to fast the day before. Make sure you don’t eat for the full day before your procedure.

Me: No problem. I’m good at not eating.

Her: ::Deer in the headlights look::

Here’s to hoping that we can get this body of mine up and at em and in tip top shape soon! This little lady needs to make another baby, spend less time in waiting rooms, and start putting copay money toward student loans. But maybe I’ll hang onto those awkward eating disorder conversations. After all, I’ll need some blog material for NEDA week 2012, right?